singing-idealist

2009-04-02T10:18:00.001-07:00

[kanye west]
I'm cold (yeah) i'm cold (yeah) i'm cold (yeah)

[lil wayne]
I got the right to put up a fight
But not quite cause you cut off my light
But my sight is better tonight and i might
See you in my nightmare oh how did you get there
Cause we were once a fairytale
But this is fair well

[kanye west]
I got my life and its my only one
I got the night i'm running from the sun
So goodnight i made it out the door x 4
After tonight there will be no return
After tonight i'm taking off on the road
I'm taking off on the road

And that you know
Tell every one that you know
That i don't love you no more
And that's one thing that you know
That you know...

Okay i'm back up on my grind
You do you and i'm just gone do mine
You do you cause i'm just gone be fine
Okay i got you out my mind
The night is young the drinks is cold
The stars is out i'm ready to go
You always thought i was always wrong
Well know you know...
Tell everybody everybody that you know!!
Tell everybody that you know
That i don't love you no more
And that's one thing that you know
That you know

[lil wayne]
I got the right to put up a fight
But not quite cause you cut off my light
But my sight is better tonight and i might
See you in my nightmare oh but how did you get there
Cause we were once a fairytale
But this is fair well

Baby girl i'm finished
I thought we were committed
I thought we were cemented
How i thought we meant it
Now we just forgetting
Now we just resenting
The clouds in my vision
Look how high i be getting
And it`s all because of you
Girl we through
You think your xxxx don`t stink but you are mrs. p-u
And i don`t see you with me no more
Now tell everybody that you know
That you know!

[kanye west]
That you know
Tell everybody that you know
That i don`t love you no more
And that`s one thing that you know
That you know
That you know
Tell everyone that you know
That i don`t love you no more
And that`s one thing that you know
That you know...

Untitled

2008-12-19T17:48:00.001-08:00

Posted via Pixelpipe.

Listen

2007-11-26T22:41:00.000-08:00

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within
Its only beginning to find release

Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen

[chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turned
Into your own
All 'cause you won't listen

[chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I got to find my own - my own

Hate

2007-11-02T22:00:00.001-07:00

I hate it that my parents are getting back together. I refuse to go to any family functions if they do. They don't care about how us kids feel about it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I cry alot. I scream alot. It makes me really upset...sometimes I have to just get in my car and drive around crying and screaming so nobody will hear me.

I am so frustrated with them. When I finally come to peace with the fact that my dad is having an affair and my parents are divorcing, they decide to try and "work things out". Oh hell no. I'm not going to accept it all gracefully. I'm going to throw a fit. I am not going to be good Ana

I'm going to be bitch Ana. And the only way bitch Ana goes down is fighting.

Sometimes I feel like Scarlett O'Hara

2007-11-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

I'm the candy everybody wants:

but I end up liking someone who doesn't (and never will) give a shit about me:

I don't like that. It makes for kindof a pathetic story, doesn't it?

2007-10-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited! I got my place all paid for at the conference!Here is the congerence center:..
and the view from it at night:

My hotel:

Its a bit scary to think of going so far away by myself but it's not as scary as the fact that I am going to be (most likely) the worst artist there. Thats not gonna stop me...I'll do anyting to be around the stuff I love, this is going to be like mana from heaven to me. Plus, you gotta start somewhere eh?
I'm soooooo excited excited excited excited excited EXCITED!

2007-10-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

I want these!

From the pages of my brand new journal this morning...

2007-10-29T05:51:00.001-07:00

...I bring you this:

Good morning! Today is going to be a beautiful day! I'm all cozied up here in bed with a fresh cup of coffee and a brand new journal. What could be better? :-)

If you havn't read my last journal let me take a few words to describe myself. I am: freespirited, creative, artistic, goofy, cheerful, outgoing, passionate, intuitave, spiritual, wise, loving, a rebel, stubborn, devoted, loyal, and expressive.

I have many hobbies that include: cooking, reading, writing, making art, singing, nature enjoyment, home decorating, praying/meditating, my dog, history, having coffee and learning.

Some of my favorite things are: Good conversation w/family and friends, hugs/kisses/cuddles, coffee & tea, bubble baths, video games, art conventions, alone time, a good book (usually non-fiction), fall and winter, the smell of cold air out of an old window unit, the smell of the air when the weather turns cold, fires, blankets & pillows, wine, good food, journals & blogs, spying on people and being nosey in general, the smell of scratch and sniff storybooks, trees, and dreams (night & day).

My dreams are very important to me, I spend alot of time thinking about them, planning them out, and trying to follow them or take steps toward following them. They set me free. Some of the major ones are: Travel to Europe (Scotland, Ireland, Germany, Italy, Greece, France, Czech Republic, Switzerland), Egypt, Mexico, Peru, China, Japan, India, Thailand, and Tibet (China). Own my own home, Work as a professional concept artist for a major video game company. Become self-actualized. Know the Divine better.

My key word and the one thing I can't live without: FREEDOM. Most of the things I do, the beliefs I believe, and the way I act/react revolve around my need for freedom. My freespiritedness is the core of who I am.

I love who I am, I love my life, and I am just SO happy!

Lesson learned from an ex boyfriend

2007-10-28T21:21:00.001-07:00

So I found out from some of my girl coworkers today that my ex has a new girlfriend. I felt a bit angry and upset at first but then realized something and I just had to have a good laugh.

You learn a lesson from every person you meet, and these last few weeks I've been wondering what It was that I learned from my last romantic relationship. It suddenly occured to me.

Lesson learned:
I need a man that can keep up with me in bed.

;-)

NaNoWriMo '07

2007-10-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

Get ready NaNo is coming to town!

An excerp from my coming novel:

She slumped down onto the small bench overlooking the water as her eyes scanned the horizon tracing the edge of the rolling monsterous hills that lay there. Her eyes drooped lazily as the sun warmed her. It melted like warm dripping butter over her head and down her back. The breeze also did it's part in making her drowsy; not far from a caress it swam silkily through her tousled hair and over every inch of her exposed skin. She sighed heavily and took in the beauty that she now was surrounded by. The sound of the water gently lapping at the stoney shore. The large pecan and cypress trees swayed gently in the wind as if they participated in some primeval dance. The barn red paint of the man made structures in the immeadite area complimented with great contrast the deep green of the trees. The water was not wide for a lake yet what it lacked in width, it made up for in length. If she had looked behind her she would see that it stretched as far as her vision would allow, and would go on even further still. As it was, she looked the opposite way where the lake took a curve and she could see it no more. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. There was a sweet nutty scent on the air. Someone somewhere was burning some local wood, mesquite or cedar. She turned her attention once more to the blue gray mountians on the horizon. The large rollin mounds of living earth almost looked like the face, breasts, and hips of some giant sleeping earth goddess. The breeze blew gently from those hills and suddenly she was washed over by a longing for the mystery of those hills. The longing to leave her life behind and venture forth to see what lay beyond them. It was almost as if the wind was a messanger to the sleeping goddess, beconing her in a gentle soothing whisper: "Come, come away..." The sound of the cicadias whirring gently from the treetops, the nutty-sweet smoke of the campfire, the buttery golden sun, the breezes carress, the water lapping around the shore rocks, the sway of the trees and the call of the mountians all swirled around her in the warm vortex of late afternoon nature. "Com away, come away to us" they called. For a brief moment she thought about giving in, and for that brief moment she relished the idea, turning it over in her mind like one would turn over a bit of toffee nut candy on the tounge, savoring its layers of goodness. But in the next moment she stood abruptly and pushed the idea from her mind with no little force and strode quickly towards the house.

Pardon the horrible grammar and spelling. I'm too sleepy to re-read this and fix it.
November will be a month of crazy caffinated typing, thats for sure! :-D

Tears

2007-10-12T18:21:00.001-07:00

I cried for the first time since it happened last week. (other than RIGHT after it happened) I was coming back from the gym and I saw him. I don't know why that made me so sad, but it did. Once I got in the car my whole emotional structure felt a dying star that had suddenly imploded and turned into a black hole. My heart felt like it froze and knotted up into a terrible painful charlie horse. And then it just got sucked into the black hole and dissapeared completely. So I just drove and drove and drove. And cried. I let sorrow overtake me because what else can you do? I don't think its really healthy to hold in emotion, it just causes big problems down the road. Anyway, I just sobbed away, the kind of sobs that are gut renching, the kind that you have to gasp for breath in between. I just don't understand how he could drop me so fast and forget about me so quickly. To him it's like nothing ever happend between us. That hurts. ALOT. I don't understand... I just don't understand. And why? I mean this always happens to me. Then again each time my heart is broken it gets a little stronger and I learn a little more about myself. Afterall, fine china is twice as strong with the mending. So in reality I should be thanking him...

Thank you for breaking my heart, I now know a little more about myself and I'm that much stronger and happier. I'm now pushed further along the path I'm supposed to follow. I've learned so much from you and I've grown so much spiritually. I don't blame you for anything because I know that you did the best thing you could, made the best decisions you could for where you are at in life. I wish you well and the very best of all things.

I have beauty for my ashes.

Onward.

Summer Plans

2007-04-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

I decided that I wanted this summer to be about balance and becoming more of a well rounded person so I came up with a list of things to do in 3 categories: Body, Mind, and Spirit.

Body:

Walk 1hr 20min a day

Do 120 tummy exercises a day

Lay out (tan) a few times a week

Do yoga a few times a week

Get up earlier

Drink more water

Go vegetarian for 1 month

Mind:

(to be a better concept artist:)

Practice drawing human anatomy

Design a number of related characters/monsters

Work through some online tutorials

Read concept art websites regularly.

Go to a game conference

Send in at least 1 job application to a video game company

Design & create an online portfolio

Spirit:

Go on 1 retreat

Journal at least 3x a week

Meditate at least 3x a week

Fast 1 day out of the week

Take a silent retreat

A midnight ramble

2007-04-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

The winds of change are coming, blowing ever so softly now, soon they will strengthen and shift everything around them. I feel it in my bones, and the tingle of excitement fills me with wonder and apprehension. What is in store for me? Who will I become and what will I do?

Sometimes I really wish I could just let go of the hatred and anger that I feel towards a few people. I want to let it go, forgive them, yet at the same time I want to keep it because it's comforting to me in some strange way. The same goes for some old dreams that were lovely at the time but all they do now is cause me pain and heartache. I want to be rid of them… renewed, refreshed, while. But not quite yet, I'm not going to be hasty about letting go of my hate or painful dreams. They are too familiar and safe for me to let go of just yet. I need some more time to think about it.

I also want to run…. Run, run, run! Run far away from this place of dreamless people. People who are stagnant and set in their ways. They are a people who do not accept change or new ideas. There is no place for dreams or creativity. It is all routine, the same old same old. No new influences allowed. I am so afraid I will become mesmerized by their god of traditional patterns. He promises a net of safety. How wonderful is safety when it sucks you down into a pit of despair? Rules to follow, stereotypes to fulfill, unable to grow, to become someone different than the person you once were. By bowing to this god of routine and fulfilling his mundane bland orders all you achieve is becoming a smaller person.

If I can't run then I'll isolate myself from it, keeping myself busy with projects, books, and activities that push me forward and out of the local mindset. I refuse to become a stepford wife. Plus, I like being the wild card. J

Follow your bliss...

2007-04-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

"Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls"

- Joseph Campbell

...and that's what I'm doing. Aaah to be a concept artist, thats my dream! I want it so bad I can taste it, it truely is my bliss, and I will follow it and believe in it untill I have it. I really don't care if others think that it is a silly thing to spend my life on, if it brings me joy then I'm not going to ditch it. Plus, when have I ever given a damn to what others think of me?

This summer all I'm going to do is pursue my dream, and pursue it with passion. I'm excited! :-D

2007-01-07T21:07:00.000-08:00

Axe Commercial

This is soooo funny!

2007-01-06T23:50:00.000-08:00

Phew...I just uploaded all my old entries, if any of yall have an inclination to read. :-) Goodnight, and sweet dreams!

2007-01-06T21:24:00.000-08:00

Skeptics and mystics... can they both be true and right? I think so. For the skeptic, they will never see and experience things that the mystic will. For them, there simply IS no magical. They cannot see it. They cannot feel it. I am not sure if they will themselves to not experience it and therefore have not been enlightened or if it is that THERE ACTUALLY IS NO ALTERNATE REALITY or SUPERNATURAL PHENOMENON for them.

I think that most people are a cross between a skeptic and a mystic. If they tell themselves they can't read the future, then they won't. Their soul simply won't do it because their mind is telling them that they can't. You can't read a book if you tell yourself you can't. You will never move from your spot to go pick up the book! However, the average person has doubts and mystery in their mind about the paranormal, and with doubt is that tiny grain of belief that something *might* be there. This is why everyday people have strange, unaccountable events happen to them. Its the mystic side of life peeking through that tiny window of belief they left open.

I cannot know what it is like to be a true skeptic because I am not that way. I am a mystic. I have dreams that tell the future, I sense things before they happen, I know things about people I shouldn't, I have outer body experiences, I see places I've never been, I can feel the spirits of people long dead (or the strong memories that they have left)in houses or places that I visited. Animals and plants speak to me in a strange way, I can sense other peoples emotions when they are far away when I have seemingly have no contact with them. Before, in Christianity, there was no room for things like this... It would all be shut away as witchcraft that was inspired by the devil. Perhaps if you were lucky you might be labeled as witnessing a "miracle" but even miracles these days are mostly discounted. Now that I've somewhat freed myself from these "bonds" that Christianity seemed to be causing, I feel more comfortable with myself, my intuition, 3rd eye, or whatever you want to call it. You know what? More things happen when you are open and relaxed and unafraid. Way more. I'm just beginning to blossom...Opening myself to energies and sensations that I have so long held at bay makes things different: the world is so much richer, my life is fuller, I'm a more well rounded person, and I'm better able so help and enrich others.

I'm also coming to a realization that I function very very differently from most people. For me living is a strange form of fantasy and reality. Life is very layered. I am never completely seeing what is right in front of me: I see what we call "reality", on top of that I see a layer of my own creation: it could be characters, a place (yes, seeing two places at once doesn't seem odd to me!, creatures, or objects. On top of that layer I see colors and patterns, swirling and changing all the time, on top of that I see ideas floating around- usually represented by a symbol or object, even on top of that I see or feel the spirits of whatever other creatures are near me- energies that most people don't. They could be plants, animals, or unidentified spirits. Sometimes I hear music, or feel it, like you do when you are at a concert--- you feel it soaking into your bones.

When I describe, or try to describe this to others I just get funny looks, so I'm ASSUMING that most people don't feel/see/act this way. So you see, most of my vision is that of a dream world. That is why I often pause in the middle of a sentence, stare off into space, and then resume the sentence 3 seconds later. I saw and got distracted by something in another layer.

I'm not asking that you try and understand my internal television, I'm just stating what is real to me. I hope that by exposing you the strangeness of others, you might find the world a little more wonderful and diverse. Or listen to your own internal clockwork, and set your life accordingly. It is so much more freeing that way, when you accept your nature.

2006-12-23T23:39:00.000-08:00

I want to do something to "give back". Something like being a part of an environmental group that plants trees, or sponser a child in a 3rd world country, or work at an animal shelter, or pick up trash in a park. I think I've sat by the wayside for long enough and complained about how everyone needs to take care of this world we in. As Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world"

I want to be a person that works at changing the world, even if it is ever so small.

2006-12-23T23:37:00.000-08:00

Why is it that so often people don't follow their dreams? Why is it that they are told that they can't make it, that there is only a fraction of a chance that they achieve what they desire... that it is only the role of the dice that decides if they will succeed.

Well, if you never start your journey, you most defiantly won't get there; if you never dare to fall down and mess up, you will never progress. If you don't work at what you want to become, you will never be what you truly wish to be. The unknown poet knew what he was talking about when he said that "The greatest risk is not taking one."

Try.

2006-12-21T23:40:00.000-08:00

You Are Teal Green

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you.

Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible.

While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks.

Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have.

What Color Green Are You?

2006-12-21T20:42:00.000-08:00

Eragon Trailer Parody

This is FUNNNNY! hahah!

2006-12-18T23:40:00.000-08:00

I love art. Ever since I was a kid I've been drawing... drawing when I'm sad, angry, happy. I use It as an escape of sorts, like some would a journal. It's so relieving to create something beautiful (or ugly, if that is the point. hehe I know I've done some ugly pictures when I've been angry!) It's amazing how much one can improve, if they only practice. That is one of the things I love about it. You can never get worse, and there is always so much more to learn.

I love learning. It's AMAZING to me how much there is to know in this world, the information about all the THINGS in life as well as all the IDEAS. Or how about CULTURES and people? I never tire of it! If I could only stay a student forever I'd be happy. Though, I suppose we never stop being a student, if we continue to keep our minds open to what life has to offer.

I love my imagination. It's such and odd thing, the imagination. If you have a strong one, you can almost make reality dissolve into a world of moving ideas, shapes, creatures, lands, you name it. It makes books come to life, transports you there. Or history class seem real, or it makes art creative. I don't see how life can be beautiful without an imagination. I suppose it can, because some people don't have one (or perhaps they don't see life as beautiful?). I'm not sure...either way, I find that it is one of the things that keeps me going.

I love nature. It never ceases to amaze me. I can have a serious case of the blues, go take a walk through my neighborhood at home, and come back brimming with joy and zest for life. There is something very divine about nature...something holy in a birdsong, the soft breeze and the many blades of grass. I always feel enlightned when I've been out in it.

I love relationships. I'm not talking about the boyfriend/girlfriend kind, I'm talking about ANY relationship that makes you feel loved. My friends (who are always there for me, make me feel special, uplifted), my family (take care of me, put up with my selfish ways, encourage me), even my teachers (who spend extra time to get to know me and help me with my work whenever I need help)... they are all very special to me, and I hope that I can be as much of a caring friend to them as they are to me.

I love video games. Hehe I know this seems shallow after all the more important things...but I really really like video games!!! I just wouldn't feel complete if I couldn't fall back on my games to cheer me up and entertain me. Doom (the old ones mind you!), Zork, Commander Keen, Mario Kart, Castle of the Winds, Smash Bros. Oh and Zelda, the ultimate game. I'd fall over and disenegrate into a cloud of purple smoke if I couldn't play Zelda.

I could go on and on, buttttt the cookies need to be taken out of the oven, and the tea needs to be steeped, so I'm going to say goodnight and take care!

2006-12-13T23:41:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how much we change in our religious beliefs. I was rased conservitive Southern Baptist but because of my constant struggle with the legalism of the Church, it's unaccepting attitudes towards other religions, and the lack of respect for women, the Christian faith became more and more alien to me and I soon began to change. I decided last spring that I would simply NOT claim any religion (Though for some reason I did feel strongly that there WAS some sort of Deity/Higher power), and I would not pursue any anwsers. I would let whatever Divine being that was out there come to me in his/or her own time. I figured that if I had a willing and loving heart, the Divine would understand (If it was truely the "loving" being that I believed in). So I sat back and didn't worry. I let time pass, knowing that my heart was open, ready to learn what the Diety chose to speek/reveal to me.

This was all VERY freeing... For once in my life I did not feel guilty for questioning, the Christian dogma. I did not feel guilty about feeling satisfied with not wanting to know certian things, or in better words, pursue certian "Christian Mysteries" that had been expected of me. And yet, even though I was no longer affilated with a religion, I felt more spiritual than I had ever been, more connected to the Divine.

I have always had questions, doubts and certan gut feelings about things that pointed towards Paganism (earth based religion) that I simply shut outwhen I was a Christian because I felt like it was wrong and sinful. This always was a huge sence of anguish for me. It's just I have ALWAYS felt such a connection with nature, and more connected to the spiritual world when I am out in it. It seemed wrong to think that Christianity wanted to stop me from finding the huge amount of joy and spiritual engeryg, the sheer exiliration that I felt when I was out in nature. The bond I felt with trees, creeks, and animals. They wanted me in a stuffy church pew instead, forced to worship with people who didn't care and didn't want to be there.

Or what about the doubts I had about worshipping a chiefly MALE God, that there was no Divine feminine. I felt cheated, like it was all very unfair. Soon I began to think that this Devine being must either be BOTH God and Goddess or simply NO GENDER.

Lately it seems like so many "spiritual revelations" have been coming to me, and I am SO excited and filled with joy that I simply CANNOT describe in words. Everything seems so much more vivid and alive, life is full of adventure, and I feel so connected, so loved, and happy...oh so very happy.

A few of the things that I have come to believe:
1)This Diety is both Male AND Female, it is both God and Goddess, two sides of the same coin, they are One, actually part of a greater being that is in EVERYTHING LIVING. This includes nature, animals, and OURSELVES. We are a part of them and they love us
2)All religions ultimatly worship the same Diety. Christians, Hindus, Moslems, we all express it differently, but in the end I truely believe that we are all worshipping the Devine as we know it, as we see it, and as we relate to it, and It is all the same.
3)For morals: As long as you harm none, do what you will.
4)There are forces in the world we do not understand. Some people call it magic, others miracles, some say it is a gift from God. I'm not sure what is is, but I know it's there.
5)Karma: what goes around, comes around.

I'll conclude for this evening, but all of this is so wonderful, I can't help but keep myself from rambling.

I think I might be a Wiccan. hmmm better look into it.

2006-12-11T23:42:00.000-08:00

Here is something I wrote this summer, while I was at the Cenacle Retreat House.
It's amazing how much this journal entry forshadowed the spiritual discoveries I'm making now. Breathtaking, actually.

The dark, moist air greeted me at the door… a welcome change from the frigid air in the room. I turned down the forest path, letting my feet sink into the spongy bed of pine needles as I walked along admiring the trees. Pine trees are so majestic and mysteriously beautiful. They are tall and slender with no branches till the top which are rich green and smell like heaven. I had made my way to the labyrinth and after pausing to offer a prayer, I started my journey to the center. I noted my surroundings: the trees were black shapes against a dark sky. The crescent moon hung in a window in the trees and looked serene, mystic, and friendly, like some ancient German Goddess watching over me and smiling. The water from a nearby fountain gurgled happily. The gravel crunched beneath my feet. Across the lawn I saw a light come on in the back of the dining hall as the cooks began preparing for breakfast. The eastern sky was becoming lighter and I continued my way into the center. I made it. I stood there in the center and tried to quiet my heart. “I am everything… I am all around you… I am the dark pine trees, I am the peacock mother and her babies, I am the moon, I am the water, I am you. I am the ancient Goddess the Celts worshipped, I am the God of the Hebrews. I am everything.” I was calm and happy. I caught a glimpse of a single star in the clear western sky, radiating a cheerful beauty. I understood and knew… it was me. It was my sister. It was another bright star soul greeting me a cheerful good morning. I smiled to myself as I admired the beauty of it, even as others (I just now realized) admired me. I had come to the end of my journey through the labyrinth and continued my way along the forest path. It had grown lighter and a corner of the sky was a soft shade of rose. The mammoth pine trees lined either side of the path like giant sentinels and I felt as if I was in a time long ago, somewhere in ancient Europe in a sacred place. I walked away from the path and across a huge lawn to a stone bench where I sat. The mama peacock and her two chicks flopped out of a tree. The mama looked at me suspiciously and honked. I made my way back to the path and continued my journey around the grounds. The sky was now bright pink and gold, illuminating the cars as I passed the parking lot. A rabbit ran across the trail to the center of the courtyard where he began munching some bushes. As I sat down to write this very entry the mama peacock and her babes stroll by, less cautious of me now. They make their way across the lawn and disappear out of sight. This was my morning. I feel serene, calm, and at peace. Yet I’m happy and full of joy at the same time. I’m going to go walk about a bit more as well as make a stop by the chapel. Hopefully, I’ll write more later.

2006-12-03T23:43:00.000-08:00

Only wrote 5k today. *sighs* Tomorrow is another day! (In other words, I'll do better tomorrow hehe)

Total Cups of Caffiene: 30

2006-12-01T23:43:00.000-08:00

*writes like mad* AAAAHHHH!

Cups of caffine: 16

2006-11-30T23:45:00.000-08:00

I start my novel writing madness tomorrow. Right in time for finals...ug. (oh well!) :-) Anyway, here are some random things:

My workspace:

Two of my characters (Aveu & Effie):

Some banners for my story:

And a funny progress bar:

2006-11-26T23:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm writing a novel. My mom got me interested when she decided to take part in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month)... a month long process in November where you write a 50,000 word novel. Well I'm a bit late for the November installment but I'm not going to let that stop me...I'm shooting to write my 50k in December. I'll be updating here every so often, and yall can keep track of my word count via the meter on the right.

I'm not exactly sure what genre my story is gonna be... fantasy mixed with something else? I'd liek to try and use some random whacky type things in my story, so if yall have any ideas or phrases for me to use, let me know. ;-)

Well, I'm in my planning week (before I start writing) so I'm gonna go do some work. tata to you all and goodnight!

2006-07-28T23:46:00.000-07:00

I really shouldn't be staying up this late (3am).... but I am..oh well. :-)

I've been working through this kind of "spiritual workbook" and here are a few of the questions: Q: If your belief in a higher intelligence has changed since childhood, and you now see or feel differently, list the qualities that you now attribute to this force. A: Many faces, sharing, out of the box, No gender or both genders, personal, Connected- in everything, Reigns in nature. Q: If you were to expand your belief in a higher power even further so that you totall trusted it at all times, what qualities would that power have? A: Powerful, reliable, Relational/Personal, All around me, Wise, Wants best for me, Accepting, Loving, All forgiving. Kind of generic, but it has me thinking. I've been rethinking alot of things lately. Or trying to understand them at least....Sometimes it seems like life can just be so grand and splended, with many opportunities and open doors, or new pathways with new things around the bend. Yet other times it can seem daunting, like a giant vulture looming over your almost dead body, just waiting to crush you in its talons. It almost seems that if I just make-believe that the world is just peachy, it will feel that way to me. I guess it has to do with attitude. Yes, that must be it...because I know when I'm bitter and angry about something everything tends to look bleak. I wish I wasn't so driven by my emotions.

Oh and family relationships...Trying to reach out to my Dad but finding it hard to communicate with him. He's kind of the nerd-computer programmer type who doesn't have very good communication skills. I know he loves us kids, but his relationship with us is slipping away, and he seems to become more and more distant. It's sad because I know he sees it yet doesn't know how to show that he loves us in a way that we can understand. The other kids don't care that much, and sometimes I wonder if, despite the cold frount he puts up, that it hurts him. I wish I could show him how much I care

Gosh, this entry has turned long and mopey. One thing that I am VERY HAPPY about is that my little sister FINALLY broke up with her verbally abusive boyfriend. He could manipulate her to kingdom come and she would just give and give and give. She is just so sweet and giving...she needs to be with a nice guy. Poor baby..I'm sorry she had to go through all that shit. I hate men gaaaaa!

Haha anyway...hope yall have a good night! Sorry bout the sloppy horrid spelling....i'm really tired + i don't feel like spell checking

2006-07-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

I did alot of speed walking through the neighborhoods today and there was this tree that really captivated me. It is a HUGE towering magnolia with big, glossy leaves, and very dark (almost black) bark. I'm sure there is some kind of peaceful spirit there, I could almost feel some sort of powerful energy or aura around it that was reaching out to me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy, but this feeling has come to me EVERY time I pass this freaking tree. It's a very comforting, peaceful, soothing, cool, refreshing, energizing feeling. It's not scary at all...just a bit....puzzling.

I'm going to talk to my boss at work tomorrow...I might try and get her to transfer me to another dept. You see, I'm not sure if I want to stay in the job in shoes because I just can't seem to make my commission, and if I don't get my commission, I don't get my base pay. I just can't work below min. wage. Then again, if the shoe sales pick up, which they probably will, I might be able to make it till Christmas. Christmas = MONEY! One of my co-workers made $600 in one week! It would really be lovely to have that kind of money around that time of the year. With the extra money from Christmas sales I could furnish the apartment I'm getting in January. It would be so nice to be able to buy some furniture. :-)

Well, I'm sleepy, so I think I'll head to bed. Goodnight dearies.

2006-07-19T23:47:00.000-07:00

Anyway...Yesterday was quite interesting. My lil sis came home from visiting her bf (HATEFUL MAN....UGGG) and she was sooooooooo sick. She had allergies so bad that she couldn't breath out her nose PLUS her tonsils were swollen so much that she could hardy breath out her mouth...much less eat or drink anything. Poor baby, she was in allot of pain. Mama canceled her cooking class just so she could take her to the doctor that night. I felt sad for Mama, because I know she really wanted to go. *sighs* We watched Anne of Green Gables Last night and it was sooo good! I love Anne! She's so funny!

I'm currently reading a book called "When God Was A Woman" by Merlin Stone. It's really quite interesting... You see, I stopped going to Church a while back because I really felt like I need to reconsider who/what God was and really try and get to know/better understand Him/Her/Them(ect, you know what I mean). I had been raised for sooo long in this conservative homeschool community made up of Church of Christ, Reformed Baptist, and Southern Baptist families that pretty much would flame you if you didn't show up at Church and do missions work. I was always getting the heat for being too liberal (though I'm pretty conservative compared to allot: I don't drink, I'm a virgin, ect) simply due to the fact that I dressed fashionably, had a nose piercing, laughed allot and regarded everyone as equal (man vs. woman, child vs. adult, ect). Anyway, what would it matter if I actually WERE liberal, and according to them, a sinner? Didn't Jesus hang out with the taxcollecters an prostitutes? Didn't Jesus love everyone unconditionally? *sighs* I just felt that so many Christians were lackluster, and didn't care about KNOWING God at all. It seemed to me that they just wanted a bunch of rules to live by and not thing about anything at all. So that is why I left the Church. I do belive in a Divine power...very passionately! That is why I'm currently on a spiritual journey...I want so badly to know the Devine, to be close to it. I think perhaps God is so much bigger than any religion can define...and thats OK.

2006-07-15T23:48:00.000-07:00

The following is a description of my "soul" according to Soul Signs by Rosemary Altea:

The Bright Star Soul (Fire group)
Two of my closest friends are Bright Star Souls, and my life has been made so much more pleasureable--- and difficult-- by having them around. Wonderful and bright. they do indeed bring light and fun and laughter with them. The Bright Star seeks and needs attention in great quantities. and this is for most of us not always possible to gibe. The Bright Star can become emotional and easily hurt by what appears to them neglectful behavior by others. Ego is perhaps the Bright Start's Achilles heel, as their need to be number one can overshadow personal confidence, although that same ego used positively, is what pushes them forward and helfs them achieve. If not careful, the Bright Star's lack of introspection can halt or slow their growth which will cause some difficulties.

As a Fire sigh, the Bright Star is driven by emotion. Willful and somwhat uncompromising, as all Fire signs are, the Bright Star can be seen to be quite dramatic and a real powerhouse of energy.

Character Traits of the Bright Star Soul
Talented, cheerful, quick-witted, and clever but often naive, quick to recover from difficult situations, alert, extremely optimistic, radiant, intelligent. Very principled but vivacious and usually lucky, the Bright Star Soul has a divine quality or a uniqueness that can be hard to define. A prominent performer in any chosen profession, often well known-- even famous---- and brilliant, many Bright Stars, especially in immaturity, like to be number one, even in the most insignigicant events. Can have tendencies toward astronomy, astrology or matters pertaining to planetary action.

Often attractive or handsome, even beautiful, and extreamly headstrong and willful, Bright Stars can be dramatic to the point of being disregarded by others as attention seekers. The put great store in and value reputation in themselves and others.

Bright Star Souls have a tendency to orbit, or go around problems in order to solbe them, and often do not get to the point quickly, with a tendency to procrastinate. An entertainer, a good host, usually has a good sense of humor, egotistical, needs to be liked or lobed, and needs to feel appreciated and special. Usually has difficulty with introspection, and will often be congused by their own actions. Is easily hurt emotionally and tends to take everything personally.

Dangers of Being a Bright Star Soul:
Being too controlling and too dramatic to be taken seriously; demanding and somewhat needy, sometimes to the point of being blind to others' needs; wanting things their way

2006-04-29T23:49:00.000-07:00

Well, school is out for the summer, and I'm sitting here having a glass of wine after a nice meal of crab legs. I feel like I'm living the good life...at least for the moment. ;-) Anyway, I've decided to make a list of things I want to do over the summer.

Paint at least 3 paintings
Go to the Austin fig drawing sessions
Work on the book illustrations
Take an art class at Laguna Gloria
Visit some art museums
Play all the Zelda games
Play all the Silent Hill games
Finish Doom...and maby play Doom 2
Get a job...pref= Starbucks

2006-04-14T23:49:00.000-07:00

Life never ceases to amaze me. Good things come and before you realize that they are gone you have 10 more good things to in their place. Sometimes I just feel like I'm ready to burst with happiness just from looking around at the beautiful day outside. Is that so strange? Maybe so, but I don't care if people tell me that my idealized life is stupid and naive. I'd rather be naive filled with joy than know it all and miserable. To hear the winds rustle through the trees, to gaze up at a perfectly sapphire blue sky, to laugh carelessly with friends about nothing in particular, to snuggle up in an old blanket with my puppy, to hug my family, to smile at a stranger, and to dream about the future. That is why I live, that is why I love. I prefer to look at the world as beautiful and good and shut out all the bad things and complication. That doesn't mean I won't deal with the hard situations in life, it just means that I'm not going to dwell on it. Is that so meaningless? I don't think so, and honestly, I don't care if it is.

coming soon

2006-04-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

....coming soon